We get what we tolerate ...
Funny isn't it that we spend so much time digging in and getting to know ourselves, we create plans to care for and nurture our bodies, minds and souls, cultivating practices of self improvement, reveling in our deepened self awareness, so in tune with what we need and want in the sanctuary of our inner Self … yet we don't bring that out of our heads and hearts; we don't communicate our findings to those who share our journey and could potentially help us soar; instead we tolerate what has always been; we bitch and moan about never getting to our best Self.
Sound familiar?
These 'tolerations' (love this word - shared by a dear friend Sylvia Plester-Silk in her blog post recently) are the things we don't care for, or appreciate in our life; but we tolerate them from ourselves and others who share our path.
I was fully introduced to the concept of boundaries about 10 years ago in my work with Brene Brown; and what I know for sure after 10 years in this practice … it's so damn hard!
I have a full time pass on the struggle bus when it comes to boundaries; every time I think I have a handle on things, there is a breech - it's never a "woops, sorry about that" kind of breech; oh no, it's a full on assault, and some how in the act of defending myself and my boundaries I become the villain.
I expect too much, no one could possibly live up to the standards I set, what I am asking makes no sense, I'm crazy to think that it's possible … insert self doubt and second guessing; am I crazy? Do I expect to much? Have I no compassion?
Or am I having a perfectly rational reaction to bad behaviour?
Yes, that's it; when you are forced to create boundaries with people (this is hard work and it isn't something you just do on a whim cause you're bored one day and have a few hours to kill!) it is in most cases a means by which to protect your Self! If you have reached a place where you believe you need to protect yourself in a relationship; boundaries aren't optional - they are mandatory, and you owe it to your Self to do the damn work!
The hard part isn't setting or determining the boundaries - that's easy; what in your life is draining you, stressing you out, impacting your ability to 'just be', or making you miserable? Write those things down; if they relate to certain people - name them! Study this list and consider these names; this is important … answer these questions …
are these people aware of the impact they are having on your life?
are these people in control of what they are doing?
can you tell these people that you are no longer willing to tolerate their behaviour?
In order for boundaries to work they absolutely need to be communicated - this is the tough part, because no one really likes to hear that their behaviour is causing someone else grief … right? Ok so maybe there are people in your life who are deliberate in their behaviour; regardless you absolutely need to have the conversation!
The conversation is the tough part because it requires you to be vulnerable, to open up about your feelings! The difficulty is, these conversations are seldom about people bringing too much joy into our lives; no, they are about pain and discomfort! Things that mostly leave us feeling weak, not empowered; admitting these feelings is deepening our sense of vulnerability, and nobody looks forward to that! Ever!
Here's the thing; spoiler alert - it's gonna go one of two ways...
1. The person feels terrible that you are feeling this way, it was never their intention and they are so glad to be having the conversation with you and establishing a better, more mutually beneficial relationship moving forward! YAY you!
2. The person feels angry that you are blaming them for your issues, they see nothing wrong with their behaviour and resent you for trying to make them feel bad. They aren't interested in your stupid boundaries and honestly if this is how you feel they aren't interested in a relationship with you anyways! Sucks, but at the end of the day the issue is dealt with … right?
Totally an over simplification I admit, there are so many shades of grey between these two options and I feel like I have lived most of them; I get knocked down and before I get up again … I process, I recalculate and I breathe, cause in the grand scheme of things … that's life!
Being vulnerable has gotten much easier for me; for better or for worse I guess? Owning the human condition of my tolerances and the impact they have on my happiness everyday has become as routine as brushing my teeth. Boundary work is engrained in my practices; what I know beyond how hard it is, is that without them; there is no room for growth!
As we head into October, fresh off our month of Reset and connection with all things 'Self'; let's own what we have learned, let's create space for our new found self awareness to settle in, let's do that with some boundaries and communicate the tolerations that you are no longer interested in tolerating!
At the very core of being our Best Self is our ability to respect ourselves enough to set boundaries; it's tough, vulnerable work but you can do hard things! xo
Sound familiar?
These 'tolerations' (love this word - shared by a dear friend Sylvia Plester-Silk in her blog post recently) are the things we don't care for, or appreciate in our life; but we tolerate them from ourselves and others who share our path.
I was fully introduced to the concept of boundaries about 10 years ago in my work with Brene Brown; and what I know for sure after 10 years in this practice … it's so damn hard!
I have a full time pass on the struggle bus when it comes to boundaries; every time I think I have a handle on things, there is a breech - it's never a "woops, sorry about that" kind of breech; oh no, it's a full on assault, and some how in the act of defending myself and my boundaries I become the villain.
I expect too much, no one could possibly live up to the standards I set, what I am asking makes no sense, I'm crazy to think that it's possible … insert self doubt and second guessing; am I crazy? Do I expect to much? Have I no compassion?
Or am I having a perfectly rational reaction to bad behaviour?
The hard part isn't setting or determining the boundaries - that's easy; what in your life is draining you, stressing you out, impacting your ability to 'just be', or making you miserable? Write those things down; if they relate to certain people - name them! Study this list and consider these names; this is important … answer these questions …
are these people aware of the impact they are having on your life?
are these people in control of what they are doing?
can you tell these people that you are no longer willing to tolerate their behaviour?
In order for boundaries to work they absolutely need to be communicated - this is the tough part, because no one really likes to hear that their behaviour is causing someone else grief … right? Ok so maybe there are people in your life who are deliberate in their behaviour; regardless you absolutely need to have the conversation!
The conversation is the tough part because it requires you to be vulnerable, to open up about your feelings! The difficulty is, these conversations are seldom about people bringing too much joy into our lives; no, they are about pain and discomfort! Things that mostly leave us feeling weak, not empowered; admitting these feelings is deepening our sense of vulnerability, and nobody looks forward to that! Ever!
Here's the thing; spoiler alert - it's gonna go one of two ways...
1. The person feels terrible that you are feeling this way, it was never their intention and they are so glad to be having the conversation with you and establishing a better, more mutually beneficial relationship moving forward! YAY you!
2. The person feels angry that you are blaming them for your issues, they see nothing wrong with their behaviour and resent you for trying to make them feel bad. They aren't interested in your stupid boundaries and honestly if this is how you feel they aren't interested in a relationship with you anyways! Sucks, but at the end of the day the issue is dealt with … right?
Totally an over simplification I admit, there are so many shades of grey between these two options and I feel like I have lived most of them; I get knocked down and before I get up again … I process, I recalculate and I breathe, cause in the grand scheme of things … that's life!
Being vulnerable has gotten much easier for me; for better or for worse I guess? Owning the human condition of my tolerances and the impact they have on my happiness everyday has become as routine as brushing my teeth. Boundary work is engrained in my practices; what I know beyond how hard it is, is that without them; there is no room for growth!
As we head into October, fresh off our month of Reset and connection with all things 'Self'; let's own what we have learned, let's create space for our new found self awareness to settle in, let's do that with some boundaries and communicate the tolerations that you are no longer interested in tolerating!
At the very core of being our Best Self is our ability to respect ourselves enough to set boundaries; it's tough, vulnerable work but you can do hard things! xo
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