How to Grow through Pain ...
I have always maintained that there are "No take backs, or do overs in life."
Opportunities, relationships ... LIFE! No take backs ... no do overs!
Now before you start crafting your rebuttal, let me explain.
We can absolutely rebuild, retry and revisit; but that 'first time' excitement is now burdened with a new perspective; perhaps a perspective jaded by hurt, but maybe one blinded with optimism? Or in some cases the ship sails and is truly lost to us, in which case I would suggest it was never meant to be!
So I am finding myself in a familiar place again in my life; a place I have visited many times in the past 15 years and it isn't a place where much joy lives, if I am being honest! However, this place has woken me up to so much growth, it introduced me to my gratitude practice, invited me to be honest and vulnerable, allowed me to embrace my imperfections; and in the face of so much hate and resistance, I learned to 'love anyways'!
Being back here is inconvenient, things I have made peace with and forgiven are being challenged; again. Meeting someone where they are is all part of the relationship rebuilding process; but going backwards is difficult for me on these issues, especially when no one is listening to understand or heal; they are back to continue the struggle; and I am left questioning 'why'.
Why would I bother?
This isn't a feeling I am ever proud of; and there in lies my struggle.
In full and expansive alignment I am a caring, nurturing, and generous person; in fear I am guarded, untrusting, and dismissive.
So, why would I bother?
Simply put, everything I am doing these days, it is about my own personal growth, my integrity, and honouring my higher self ... and being in alignment is imperative to my wellbeing. So take backs and do overs are met with questions, lot's and lot's of questions!
1. What am I missing in this situation?
2. How do I help without enabling?
3. Am I being understood, because 'heard' isn't enough.
4. What exactly is being asked of me?
5. Am I truly seeing things as they are, or am I stuck in how they were?
6. Is there a difference?
7. Am I clear on my boundaries?
8. Have I expressed my boundaries clearly?
9. Are we working towards the same end goal?
10. What is the end goal?
11. Am I ok?
12. What are my lessons?
I know I am not alone in having to rebuild and revisit relationships in life; and while that makes me feel truly connected as a human, it also makes me a little sad; this human experience really can be tough! Things go wrong, people get misunderstood, and there is so much pain out there!
So many people are stuck in pain; choosing addictions to numb, instead of connections to heal.
At the very core of my being I want to scream 'SO DAMN WHAT' at people; NEVER to minimize their experience, or their pain, they are completely entitled to that, without question - but to shift the damn narrative, and open them to the possibility that they can find healing!
Life isn't a competition to see whose pain is greater, who was right or wrong, those things aren't tangible, they are subject to perception!
So What, isn't a dismissal, it's an invitation!
So what are you going to do now?
For me, no take backs or do overs is about the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. For 15 years I have revisited and attempted to rebuild; each time I have taken a different approach, each time I have grown through my own lessons; but I continue to find myself back here, again and again because that growth wasn't mutual.
What used to consume with guilt in this situation, leaving me questioning what I was doing wrong and doubting myself on so many levels; is now another invitation to grow. I have embraced my humanness, and what a liberating experience it is to drop the weapons of perfectionism!
I can't fix what's broken in someone else, I can embody the growth I achieve through our shared experiences; and in that growth I can continue to meet them where they are and shine light for them to find their own way.
Patience and trust are challenging me; forgiveness (which I'm not going to lie has only just begun to surface in my tool kit over the last three years) is right there asking me to try, fear needs to make way for vulnerability; and my ego needs to step off and let me fail one more time if that's what lies ahead ... there are no guarantees, no ways to magically ensure that we always get what we want; sometimes those take backs and do overs are simply there to point us in the direction of growth.
Opportunities, relationships ... LIFE! No take backs ... no do overs!
Now before you start crafting your rebuttal, let me explain.
We can absolutely rebuild, retry and revisit; but that 'first time' excitement is now burdened with a new perspective; perhaps a perspective jaded by hurt, but maybe one blinded with optimism? Or in some cases the ship sails and is truly lost to us, in which case I would suggest it was never meant to be!
Being back here is inconvenient, things I have made peace with and forgiven are being challenged; again. Meeting someone where they are is all part of the relationship rebuilding process; but going backwards is difficult for me on these issues, especially when no one is listening to understand or heal; they are back to continue the struggle; and I am left questioning 'why'.
Why would I bother?
This isn't a feeling I am ever proud of; and there in lies my struggle.
In full and expansive alignment I am a caring, nurturing, and generous person; in fear I am guarded, untrusting, and dismissive.
So, why would I bother?
Simply put, everything I am doing these days, it is about my own personal growth, my integrity, and honouring my higher self ... and being in alignment is imperative to my wellbeing. So take backs and do overs are met with questions, lot's and lot's of questions!
1. What am I missing in this situation?
2. How do I help without enabling?
3. Am I being understood, because 'heard' isn't enough.
4. What exactly is being asked of me?
5. Am I truly seeing things as they are, or am I stuck in how they were?
6. Is there a difference?
7. Am I clear on my boundaries?
8. Have I expressed my boundaries clearly?
9. Are we working towards the same end goal?
10. What is the end goal?
11. Am I ok?
12. What are my lessons?
I know I am not alone in having to rebuild and revisit relationships in life; and while that makes me feel truly connected as a human, it also makes me a little sad; this human experience really can be tough! Things go wrong, people get misunderstood, and there is so much pain out there!
So many people are stuck in pain; choosing addictions to numb, instead of connections to heal.
At the very core of my being I want to scream 'SO DAMN WHAT' at people; NEVER to minimize their experience, or their pain, they are completely entitled to that, without question - but to shift the damn narrative, and open them to the possibility that they can find healing!
Life isn't a competition to see whose pain is greater, who was right or wrong, those things aren't tangible, they are subject to perception!
So What, isn't a dismissal, it's an invitation!
So what are you going to do now?
For me, no take backs or do overs is about the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. For 15 years I have revisited and attempted to rebuild; each time I have taken a different approach, each time I have grown through my own lessons; but I continue to find myself back here, again and again because that growth wasn't mutual.
What used to consume with guilt in this situation, leaving me questioning what I was doing wrong and doubting myself on so many levels; is now another invitation to grow. I have embraced my humanness, and what a liberating experience it is to drop the weapons of perfectionism!
I can't fix what's broken in someone else, I can embody the growth I achieve through our shared experiences; and in that growth I can continue to meet them where they are and shine light for them to find their own way.
Patience and trust are challenging me; forgiveness (which I'm not going to lie has only just begun to surface in my tool kit over the last three years) is right there asking me to try, fear needs to make way for vulnerability; and my ego needs to step off and let me fail one more time if that's what lies ahead ... there are no guarantees, no ways to magically ensure that we always get what we want; sometimes those take backs and do overs are simply there to point us in the direction of growth.
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